So.... A recession, by definition, is when a city, country or world, goes under remarkable finacial strain. Various sectors in business shut down entirely, people are retrenched, fired or purely not hired. It's in these times that I think that there may be lucrative business opportunities - for example: Educating people about crime. Now I'm not referring to educating them on how to prevent crime, but rather, in these dire times of need, educate them on how to commit crime. After all, with no income, most people would turn to a life of crime.... well, that or simply commit suicide, but there's no money in suicides, unless you own a funeral parlour (a whole other story.) So, in these dire times of need, I propose a business proposition - Courses on crime. See? Even when you read it, it sounds like you could, possibly be educated on how to react against crime. Nope.
Thinking about it, I feel that it should cover the following:
1) how to pick-pocket
This should be practiced upon family and friends. Don't worry about alienating yourself, we're in a recession and soon enough they will start attending 'crime courses' too.
2) How to shop lift.
Again, this is first learnt at home. If your partner, parents, grand-parents or house-mates get mad, you need to calmly sit them down and explain that you are merely training for your future career, and by putting you down, they are not at all helping you with your self esteem and confidence. See, that's the key to shop lifting - CONFIDENCE.
3) How to hack into a bank account.
Once more, this needs to happen at home first. Either you will have to steal your housemates banking details, or gather the information sneakily by chatting to them casually and asking them questions. (EG. "Can I buy you a drink and What's your banking details?) The important thing here, is if they catch you, you state that you were stealing the money to buy drugs.
4) How to successfully sell drugs.
Everyone has access to the internet, so, you need to pick your drug of choice and learn how to make it in your basement. Do not worry if you get the mesurements incorrect, just never try your own products. Go to various clubs to pimp your merchandise out. If someone happens to have a seizure after taking something you sold him, stand around looking confused and concerned along with the rest of the crowd. Scream 'Epilepsy' a couple of times. If your client looks like he may spill the beans on you, Jump on him until he shuts the fuck up. When questioned about jumping on him, simply state that it was an alternate move to the heimlich maneuver.
I feel that this is a very good investment opportuinity and should anyone feel they want to invest in this business please do not hesitate to inbox me.
A second course will be optional, for the more physical and better paying criminal enterprises. Will keep you posted
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Muddled Thoughts
Back in Joburg trying to wrap my head around the prospect of working again. Work? What’s work? The mountains are calling me back, but I must resist the urge…. Right, anyway. I hate chain letters. There. I said it. I hate them! I hate them! I hate them! I, in no way believe that if I forward your shitty email I will find my ‘true love’ (I’m living with my boyfriend, remember?), I do not believe that a great miracle will occur – and depending on how many people I send this rubbish email to, the greater my miracle will be and I definitely don’t believe that all my financial worries will be over if I click ‘send.’ That brings me to ask, “Do people actually believe this bullshit?” Seriously? Or do you just have too much fucking time on your hands that you just had to send me this chain letter email. You can do some of my work if you are bored – please, that way we can stop the chain letters and we get more work done quicker. A win all round.
Moving right along…. Since I’ve been back it’s been pretty eventful. Last night for instance I went to movies with a friend of mine, who happens to be pregnant. (Yes, that makes a total of three female friends.) Pregnancy, at this stage, stupefies me. I am so grateful that she will never be one of those moms whom create a blog for their kid who doesn’t actually care about the natures of such a blog. Again, Why do parents do that? I mean do you really think three year old Tommy is going to look back one day and say ‘Gee, thanks mom, now I can see what I did everyday when I was three!” Anyway, I’m grateful that she’ll never be one of those moms.
Getting side tracked, anyway, this friend and I went to movies looking for a comedy. Naturally, we chose the new ‘Jim Carrey’ Movie looking for some humourous and comedic action. In saying that, when I walked into the cinema, it was displaying a full-on gay sex scene. NOT A COMEDY! The movie in total was very good, but I definitely think that it would have gone A LOT better if I knew what to expect going in. Since when does Jim Carrey do serious movie roles? And there you have it! When the guy you rely on to be the ‘funny actor’ becomes unreliable, the whole world just goes to shit. Nah. Not really, but seriously? When did he decide to take on serious roles?
After the movie I had a long chat with my friend who’s preggers (yes, I said that word. Don’t hate me.) I sat through a long explanation about what pre-natal classes are – basically they are classes that teach you how to ‘breathe.’
Yes, you read that correctly, it teaches you how to breathe. Don’t we breathe already? I don’t know too much about this stuff and maybe I’ll feel differently when I get knocked up, but do you really think those classes are going to assist a woman when she is giving birth to a baby water melon? Do you think that whilst she’s pushing her child out, swearing at her husband for knocking her up, she’s really going to stop and think, “Hmmm… my doctor said I had to breathe a certain way?” When my friend posed this question to her Doctor, he could only agree with her. I don’t know what that says about these classes.
Moving right along…. Since I’ve been back it’s been pretty eventful. Last night for instance I went to movies with a friend of mine, who happens to be pregnant. (Yes, that makes a total of three female friends.) Pregnancy, at this stage, stupefies me. I am so grateful that she will never be one of those moms whom create a blog for their kid who doesn’t actually care about the natures of such a blog. Again, Why do parents do that? I mean do you really think three year old Tommy is going to look back one day and say ‘Gee, thanks mom, now I can see what I did everyday when I was three!” Anyway, I’m grateful that she’ll never be one of those moms.
Getting side tracked, anyway, this friend and I went to movies looking for a comedy. Naturally, we chose the new ‘Jim Carrey’ Movie looking for some humourous and comedic action. In saying that, when I walked into the cinema, it was displaying a full-on gay sex scene. NOT A COMEDY! The movie in total was very good, but I definitely think that it would have gone A LOT better if I knew what to expect going in. Since when does Jim Carrey do serious movie roles? And there you have it! When the guy you rely on to be the ‘funny actor’ becomes unreliable, the whole world just goes to shit. Nah. Not really, but seriously? When did he decide to take on serious roles?
After the movie I had a long chat with my friend who’s preggers (yes, I said that word. Don’t hate me.) I sat through a long explanation about what pre-natal classes are – basically they are classes that teach you how to ‘breathe.’
Yes, you read that correctly, it teaches you how to breathe. Don’t we breathe already? I don’t know too much about this stuff and maybe I’ll feel differently when I get knocked up, but do you really think those classes are going to assist a woman when she is giving birth to a baby water melon? Do you think that whilst she’s pushing her child out, swearing at her husband for knocking her up, she’s really going to stop and think, “Hmmm… my doctor said I had to breathe a certain way?” When my friend posed this question to her Doctor, he could only agree with her. I don’t know what that says about these classes.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Small town folk
So while we're all huddled around the tv, watching the spain vs germany game, Enrico and Andrew start discussing the possibilities of a Vampire with leukemia - Is that possible? If it is wpould the vamp need to drink more blood than normal?? What happens if it's a young vamp that needs to feed ofetn anyway? Lol - point, they were saying that one of the players was so pale that he resembled a Vampire with leukemia.
Moving right along. Went into Clarens today and although i adore the town there really is something about small town people. Today I discovered that in a small town such as Clarens, people end up hooking up with each other - a few times. So the sule of 'don't touch your friends ex-boyfriend' doesn't really apply here. Also, it seems to be quite a druggie town. I met a girl at the Brewery, this is how the conversation went (We were speaking about liscences to make mampoer/moonshine and how, if you don't make it correctly, the stuff can actuallyu make you blind.)
Me (Joking): So you gonna have to find the person you like the least and use them as your test case for the mampoer.
Girl: No, that would be mean.
Me: Looking around feeling awkward... I was just kidding.
Girl: No, you just put acid in the persons food that you dont like.
Me: Like the drug?
Girl: Yes, they'll trip for hours.
Okay.... random conversation with brewery girl. The funny thing is that i was actually joking, I don't think she was. Random stuff I tell you.
Andrew's mom happened to be holidaying right by us and, feeling sorry for the street children, bought a heart from them. The only problem was the heart is made out of barbed wire - so not only is it lethal, but also sopmwhere a farmer is missing a piece of his fence.
True story.
Moving right along. Went into Clarens today and although i adore the town there really is something about small town people. Today I discovered that in a small town such as Clarens, people end up hooking up with each other - a few times. So the sule of 'don't touch your friends ex-boyfriend' doesn't really apply here. Also, it seems to be quite a druggie town. I met a girl at the Brewery, this is how the conversation went (We were speaking about liscences to make mampoer/moonshine and how, if you don't make it correctly, the stuff can actuallyu make you blind.)
Me (Joking): So you gonna have to find the person you like the least and use them as your test case for the mampoer.
Girl: No, that would be mean.
Me: Looking around feeling awkward... I was just kidding.
Girl: No, you just put acid in the persons food that you dont like.
Me: Like the drug?
Girl: Yes, they'll trip for hours.
Okay.... random conversation with brewery girl. The funny thing is that i was actually joking, I don't think she was. Random stuff I tell you.
Andrew's mom happened to be holidaying right by us and, feeling sorry for the street children, bought a heart from them. The only problem was the heart is made out of barbed wire - so not only is it lethal, but also sopmwhere a farmer is missing a piece of his fence.
True story.
Monday, July 5, 2010
A is for Advertising
Still in the mountains and starting to get in the groove of relaxing. This morning we missioned down to the restuarant at the resort for breakfast. Instead of having Cd's or normal background music playing, they had some mountain radio station. Firstly, I would just like to state that if ever my job doesn't work out for me, I'm pretty sure I can hook myself up a radio DJ gig down here cause the current guy is just USELESS!
Secondly, i think that people should really be evaluated before they go into advertising. Seriously? Everytime I see or hear a bad advert, I keep thinking "Why would the person who created this think that they were good at advertising?" or better yet, "Who the hell hired them and decided to use their work???" Having breakfast this morning, I sat and listened to their crap radio station - I mean I REALLY listened. An advert comes on advertising a conference centre mainly used for business. This is great and all, but why would you have the kid read the advert out? I mean it's not like an 8 year old has any use for a conference centre. The real kicker is at the end of the advert when the little boy says, "So can we go Dad?" and the father doesn't even respond - I'm gonna say it: that advert was a FAIL!
Anyway, onto more pressing matters. I have finally finished my synopsis and will probably be submitting my book sometime this week. Rejection letters = wall paper :-) I'm just saying.
Secondly, i think that people should really be evaluated before they go into advertising. Seriously? Everytime I see or hear a bad advert, I keep thinking "Why would the person who created this think that they were good at advertising?" or better yet, "Who the hell hired them and decided to use their work???" Having breakfast this morning, I sat and listened to their crap radio station - I mean I REALLY listened. An advert comes on advertising a conference centre mainly used for business. This is great and all, but why would you have the kid read the advert out? I mean it's not like an 8 year old has any use for a conference centre. The real kicker is at the end of the advert when the little boy says, "So can we go Dad?" and the father doesn't even respond - I'm gonna say it: that advert was a FAIL!
Anyway, onto more pressing matters. I have finally finished my synopsis and will probably be submitting my book sometime this week. Rejection letters = wall paper :-) I'm just saying.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Channeling Ariel
So.... I'm finally in the mountains - which is fantastic. It means that i can sit for the next ten days and do nothing... except write my synopsis.
I'm still quite sick - in fact, my flu seems to have gotten worse, so (you really have to picture this), when I emerged from my nice long leisurely bath this morning, i realised that in my drugged up state on flu meds, i forgot to pack a hair brush. Now, I am away with guys who don't understand the necessity of brushing hair, let alone owning a brush. wrapped in a towel, faced with this dilemma, i decide that i need to brush my hair (because it's wet) in order to dry it. So, i run to the kitchen, grab a fork, add tons of conditioner on my head and proceed to string a fork through my hair in the hope of brushing it (like i said, I'm channeling Ariel). The guys, of course, thought this was hilarious. When i got into town today, i immediately purchased a brush!
The highlight of the holiday so far was when our good friend andrew was taking a shit. My boyfriend yelled goodnight through the door and thought Andrew yelled back 'night' in return. Turens out he was yelling 'light,' as in 'don't switch off the light. Needless to say, he took a shit in the dark.
My day, has so far consisted of being pretentious and looking at a ton of art and drinking a shit load of caffine. Whilst doing these things, I have had to put up with the conversation between my boyfriend and Andrew about the sexual connotations of 'fucking someone in the face with a jack hammer.'
Still haven't started my synopsis.
Word
I'm still quite sick - in fact, my flu seems to have gotten worse, so (you really have to picture this), when I emerged from my nice long leisurely bath this morning, i realised that in my drugged up state on flu meds, i forgot to pack a hair brush. Now, I am away with guys who don't understand the necessity of brushing hair, let alone owning a brush. wrapped in a towel, faced with this dilemma, i decide that i need to brush my hair (because it's wet) in order to dry it. So, i run to the kitchen, grab a fork, add tons of conditioner on my head and proceed to string a fork through my hair in the hope of brushing it (like i said, I'm channeling Ariel). The guys, of course, thought this was hilarious. When i got into town today, i immediately purchased a brush!
The highlight of the holiday so far was when our good friend andrew was taking a shit. My boyfriend yelled goodnight through the door and thought Andrew yelled back 'night' in return. Turens out he was yelling 'light,' as in 'don't switch off the light. Needless to say, he took a shit in the dark.
My day, has so far consisted of being pretentious and looking at a ton of art and drinking a shit load of caffine. Whilst doing these things, I have had to put up with the conversation between my boyfriend and Andrew about the sexual connotations of 'fucking someone in the face with a jack hammer.'
Still haven't started my synopsis.
Word
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Karma, at times, is my best friend
I am sick, the weather is miserable by me and I just want to hole up in bed. Imagine my reaction when one of my good girlfriend's (yes my 2nd one!) broke up with her boyfriend and he decided that I would be the person to speak to. Now it's not that I'm uncaring, cold or heartless, i just don't like the bastard.
Plain and simple - on New Years I physically watched him push my friend around, of course i didn';t just keep quite and since then He and I have never seen eye to eye. Over and above that, I have heard his mother brag about how he sneaks out the house to cheat on my friend (again, how do you tell her?)
Now that I've painted this picture - here is what happened: My friend decided that she was no longer happy with him (thank God!), but being all confused she asked for a 'break.' During this 'break' she met and hooked up with a gorgeous frenchman and proceeded to dump her boyfriend properly! whoop whoop! See what I mean about Karma being my best friend?
Nevertheless, what didn't please me, was her bastard of a boyfriend phoning me at all freaking hours of the morning to ask what he should do and how he can get her back? Seriously?
Now it's not that i don't feel bad for the guy, to certain degree, but feeling bad for someone does not equate to friendship. To make matters worse, becasue he wasn't getting very far with me, now he is emailing my boyfriend.
What is it with girls and boyfriend issues? I'm starting to understand why i don't have many girlfriends.
Peace out
Plain and simple - on New Years I physically watched him push my friend around, of course i didn';t just keep quite and since then He and I have never seen eye to eye. Over and above that, I have heard his mother brag about how he sneaks out the house to cheat on my friend (again, how do you tell her?)
Now that I've painted this picture - here is what happened: My friend decided that she was no longer happy with him (thank God!), but being all confused she asked for a 'break.' During this 'break' she met and hooked up with a gorgeous frenchman and proceeded to dump her boyfriend properly! whoop whoop! See what I mean about Karma being my best friend?
Nevertheless, what didn't please me, was her bastard of a boyfriend phoning me at all freaking hours of the morning to ask what he should do and how he can get her back? Seriously?
Now it's not that i don't feel bad for the guy, to certain degree, but feeling bad for someone does not equate to friendship. To make matters worse, becasue he wasn't getting very far with me, now he is emailing my boyfriend.
What is it with girls and boyfriend issues? I'm starting to understand why i don't have many girlfriends.
Peace out
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Interesting Days
Life in the times it seems. As South Africa is hosting the world cup the duty of escourting foreigners around my town has fallen on my shoulders. Last night it was the epic game of Spain VS Portugal. Ironically, in my country there as SHIT LOADS of porras and hardly any spanish.
After picking some italian foreigners up for a night out we proceeded to watch the game at the italian club on a massive screen on a field. Wearing my spanish gear, i stuck out like a sore thumb. But low and behold, the crowd started to fill with more spain supporters and as a result i was NOT murdered when Spain won (what a relief right?).
That still left the issue of the italians. It is winter here, so forgive me, but i did feel like prettying myself up to go to a trendy club till early hours of the morning - yes i'm a grouch and i'm not even old ;-) In the end we took them to a rock/goth/ i actually don't know? club called "Doors" - named after "The doors" (self explanitry right?) I must admit, watching two sweetly plucked italians (one girl and one guy) who do 'physical education' try and blend in with a bunch of goths was amusing. Some may say that I am a bad host? I completely disagree, i was merely showing them the diversity of my land :-)
Driving them home and dropping them off I am quite certain they were relieved to be rid of us. Nevertheless, I am seeing them on thursday again! Hmmm.... what to plan?
After picking some italian foreigners up for a night out we proceeded to watch the game at the italian club on a massive screen on a field. Wearing my spanish gear, i stuck out like a sore thumb. But low and behold, the crowd started to fill with more spain supporters and as a result i was NOT murdered when Spain won (what a relief right?).
That still left the issue of the italians. It is winter here, so forgive me, but i did feel like prettying myself up to go to a trendy club till early hours of the morning - yes i'm a grouch and i'm not even old ;-) In the end we took them to a rock/goth/ i actually don't know? club called "Doors" - named after "The doors" (self explanitry right?) I must admit, watching two sweetly plucked italians (one girl and one guy) who do 'physical education' try and blend in with a bunch of goths was amusing. Some may say that I am a bad host? I completely disagree, i was merely showing them the diversity of my land :-)
Driving them home and dropping them off I am quite certain they were relieved to be rid of us. Nevertheless, I am seeing them on thursday again! Hmmm.... what to plan?
I reserve judgement
Hmmm... so after chatting with one of my best girl friends (I say this becuase I really don't have many) i was stumped to discover how much she actually puts up with from her boyfriend in case she 'loses him'. This got me thinking, how many women are actually like this?
I know that i freally have no right to judge here from my moral pedestal, but seriously? You're scared to lose him? I just figure if he's doing all this now, what's gonna happen in a few years time? Will it have changed - the answer is very simply, "NO." I, however cannot be the one to tell her this. Some things people have to work out on their own. Does this make me a bad friend? I honestly don't know - perhaps this is why I only have male companions - they seem less full of drama. *Sigh* i don't know.
I know that i freally have no right to judge here from my moral pedestal, but seriously? You're scared to lose him? I just figure if he's doing all this now, what's gonna happen in a few years time? Will it have changed - the answer is very simply, "NO." I, however cannot be the one to tell her this. Some things people have to work out on their own. Does this make me a bad friend? I honestly don't know - perhaps this is why I only have male companions - they seem less full of drama. *Sigh* i don't know.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
My first blog ever :-)
So i'm a newbie to this.... here goes.
I am currently working for Vox telecominications after a 4 year stint in the property industry, the family business crashed leaving us with more debt than the compnay was worth - joy :-) anyway, now with Vox and plan on studying english and journo next year.
Point of the story - i am going on holiday with my beloved boyfriend next week to the mountains (sigh) and am playing mad catch-up at the moment, trying to cram work in before i leave. While I am away i am supposed to be writing my synopsis for my manuscript so i can submit it - finally - and get some feedback. Perhaps i can make wallpaper out of the rejection letters? Hey - its's a pssibility considering i'm only 22 :-)
So the synopsis is kind of a big deal - it's what sells your book. No pressure right? funny strory. Anyway, my boyfriend and his friend are dragging both an x-box and a playstation 3 into the mountains to shoot at stuff - yes, the irony is not lost on me. So whilst they are playing with their toys i am supposed to be reading and writing. That is the plan anyway.
Keep you posted - i leave in 3 days. Despite it all, i am pretty excited - maybe we'll even get to see snow (a rare sight here).
E
I am currently working for Vox telecominications after a 4 year stint in the property industry, the family business crashed leaving us with more debt than the compnay was worth - joy :-) anyway, now with Vox and plan on studying english and journo next year.
Point of the story - i am going on holiday with my beloved boyfriend next week to the mountains (sigh) and am playing mad catch-up at the moment, trying to cram work in before i leave. While I am away i am supposed to be writing my synopsis for my manuscript so i can submit it - finally - and get some feedback. Perhaps i can make wallpaper out of the rejection letters? Hey - its's a pssibility considering i'm only 22 :-)
So the synopsis is kind of a big deal - it's what sells your book. No pressure right? funny strory. Anyway, my boyfriend and his friend are dragging both an x-box and a playstation 3 into the mountains to shoot at stuff - yes, the irony is not lost on me. So whilst they are playing with their toys i am supposed to be reading and writing. That is the plan anyway.
Keep you posted - i leave in 3 days. Despite it all, i am pretty excited - maybe we'll even get to see snow (a rare sight here).
E
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